Holly's Letter
by Raeperk57
Summary: What was in Robert's thoughts as he receives a letter from the past?
1. An Unexpected Letter

He'd read the words over and over again, until he knew them by heart:

 _Dear Robert:_

 _By the time you get this, I should be on my way back to you, my love. I simply had to go off for a bit to think things out. I know you wouldn't have left for Port Charles if Robin hadn't called and told you Anna was in danger. It was awfully selfish of me to complain about you being away so long. I realize now you wouldn't let me come with you because you were protecting me. Those weeks you were gone, darling, they seemed like years. Resentment is a nasty thing, but that's what I felt when you did get home and, of course, that led to our misunderstanding, for which I'll be eternally sorry. What I need to do right now, is get everything in perspective. I know I'll manage it. The reason I am writing to you now, before flying off, is to tell you I love you, and I always shall. Our love is always there, and I know that, very soon, I'll be in your arms telling you all these things. Goodnight, my darling. We'll be together very soon._

 _Love you, love you,_

 _Holly_

He knew about the five stages of grief, and thought he'd never get past stage one: denial, which led him to search for months, until even his closest friend, Luke, abandoned him. Luke came the closest to understanding Robert's determination, as he remembered how devastated he was when Laura disappeared without a trace. Bargaining almost came hand in hand while searching the wreckage alone, praying and pleading for some sign that she was truly gone, vowing to change his life and heed her concerns more, if only he could find her alive and unharmed. But that was not to be.

He didn't even want to think about his actions during the anger stage. He absolutely destroyed the home they had built together in Australia. At first, his anger was directed toward Holly. How could she leave him alone? How was he going to make it without her? Wasn't her love for him strong enough to withstand what he felt was his duty to Robin, and by extension, Anna? That last question was like a slap in his face and finally brought him back to reality.

It has often been said that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition. He then realized that that axiom is nowhere near the truth. It requires one hundred percent commitment from both partners to make a marriage work. He had believed he was giving his "fifty percent," yet expected Holly to give a hundred. The shock of this revelation sent him into stage four: depression, which he had wrapped himself in since her death. The arrival of her letter was a signal to him that he was nearing stage five: acceptance. How could he accept her death? How was he going to get to that point? Memories of a different time, but a similar place, flooded his mind. His journey to acceptance was about to begin.


	2. Robert's Journey Begins

Robert had to admit to himself that he dreaded accepting Holly's death. That would put a period to any hope he still harbored that she was alive and would find her way back to him. He remembered the feeling of loss and being set adrift when Lily died. They had both recently graduated from university and had high hopes for the future and making their mark on the world. Looking back, he wondered if they still would have been together. He had such an idealized view on what their life and love was like back then. Would it have withstood the test of time? When Lily died, he shut himself away, much like he had since Holly died. He didn't care much what happened to him at that point, and when presented with the opportunity, rashly joined the World Security Bureau.

He spent the next few years dedicated to becoming the best agent possible. He walled off his heart, letting no one close enough to spark any interest, and rebuffed any woman who dared try. That was until Sean partnered him with a cantankerous woman named O'Reilly. He was determined to prove he was a better agent than this relic from a different time. When his style of going in "guns ablazing" jeopardized the mission, she let him have it with both barrels. She reminded him of his mum, who also would have called him out on his attitude and behavior. She was the first to put a chink in the armor he had built around himself. O'Reilly made him realize that unless he allowed his heart to trust again, he wouldn't last long in this business. His great instincts were not enough. He learned a lot from her and his heart began to heal. Still, any relationship he had after that he considered "safe" in that they were generally with fellow agents who, themselves, weren't looking for any long term entanglements. Still, his favorite partner was O'Reilly because he didn't have to pretend to feel something he didn't. He was looking forward to working with her again in a defection mission in the south of France. Sean, however, decided that the mission required a young couple in love. He insisted that Robert pair with a young, well-trained agent on her first covert mission.

Anna was beautiful, but Robert was concerned over her inexperience, and he and O'Reilly tried in vain to change Sean's mind. The nature of the cover required intimacy from which Robert generally shied away, and they didn't agree on the strategy in accomplishing their goal. This led to heated exchanges, but discovering the room was bugged and cameras installed led to an intimacy that was totally unexpected, but real. When the mission was accomplished, they were forced to swim to safety in the little Italian village. Looking back, Robert realized if their hormones weren't raging, and adrenaline pumping, he never would have married her. Although, at the time, he believed he loved her, and they had discussed leaving the agency. Two weeks later, he discovered her deceit. He left her in disgust and loathing and vowed that love was a commodity he could do without. It was a useful tool, but nothing more.

Shortly after his marriage debacle, he was assigned to a mission in Africa with Connie Townley. They worked well together and Robert was relieved to discover that she was married to her job. They were equals in many ways, and enjoyed an easy relationship with no strings attached for about two years until he was assigned to the Greek Isles and the Cassadines. Little did he know then, he was on a collision course with destiny.


	3. The Port Charles Connection

While on the Cassadine mission, Robert discovered the ties to the Quartermaines that led him to Port Charles. Among those whom his research uncovered were: Edward and Alexandria Quartermaine, Lucas Lorenzo Spencer, and Laura Webber Baldwin. Laura was young and beautiful, and reminded him of Lily. It was easy to pour on the charm toward her for the sake of the mission. Inwardly, he was almost relieved when she showed no personal interest in him. His relief was complete once he realized the relationship between her and Luke wasn't quite history, and Luke decided to take his chances and believe him over Alex and Edward, and the three became friends. After O'Reilly was killed, a devastated Robert accepted Luke's assistance in bringing Mikkos Cassadine's evil plans to an end.

They stowed away on the Cassadine yacht in order to discover why Mikkos wanted the Ice Princess, and where he disappeared to. Among the passengers was Victor Cassadine's latest love interest, Tiffany Hill. Tiffany was a beautiful and smart, if somewhat shallow, woman. She liked to be seen on the arms of rich, well-connected men. After Victor was arrested for his part in the Ice Princess case, she gravitated to Robert, believing he, too, was well-connected. As for Robert, he didn't dissuade her of that notion as he, too, was really only looking for companionship. The fallout with the WSB, which left Ballentine peeved that the formula was destroyed, along with the loss of O'Reilly, led him to resign, and at loose ends. He decided to stay in Port Charles with no real idea of what he would do with his life. When Tiffany discovered his true worth, they drifted apart, but still remained friends.

The turning point for Robert was Luke and Laura's wedding. Knowing the obstacles they faced, had him yearning to settle down and find someone with whom he could share his life. Unfortunately, Luke and Laura's happiness didn't last. Two months after they were wed, Laura disappeared without a trace. Robert now fully understood the despair Luke must have felt.

A case of mistaken identity was the catalyst to the beginning of a relationship that he regretted almost as much as the disastrous one with Anna. If not for an oddly coincidental appearance by Laura Templeton at the same time Luke's Laura disappeared, he and Jackie might never have met. Jackie Templeton was a smart, ambitious reporter with whom he believed he could have a long-term relationship. Working together to solve the David Grey case, and freeing her sister from his influence, they found an easy camaraderie and an ability to work well with one another. He even secretly arranged for her to get the "scoop", as she had lost her job due to her concern for her sister.

Meanwhile, Luke, still missing Laura, and finding running a nightclub unfulfilling, decided to go to the mountains to recharge and find peace with the past. He came back a week later with a very beautiful, young woman in tow. Robert had little way of knowing at the time that his life was about to get very complicated.


	4. Holly Hits Town

Robert envied Luke's ability to bounce back from tragedy, while he was still haunted by his past. From the moment he met Holly he knew she was different than any other woman he had ever known. To say he found her interesting would be an understatement. He felt drawn to her, but willingly accepted she was off-limits. Two things prevented him from acting on his interest. First, he was content in his relationship with Jackie, and second, he made it his policy to never make a move on a woman who was obviously involved with another man. The fact that that man was also his best friend made that self-imposed rule all the more imperative to respect.

As the oil scam unfolded and later was exposed, he was perplexed by the mercurial attitudes of Luke and why they bothered him where Holly was concerned. Also by this time, his restlessness began to put a strain on his relationship with Jackie. Against his better judgment, he agreed to go with Luke to Canada to track down the money and rescue Holly. At the same time, he was stunned and ashamed that he was taken in by such an obvious scam. He tried to convince himself that he wanted to leave her fate to the Canadian authorities rather than confront the feelings she stirred in him. He couldn't help but notice how out of place she felt at Kelly's when he and Luke were given a heroes' welcome when they returned. How did Holly get past his defenses? Was it because he felt he was safe with her because she loved another man? Jackie must have recognized the threat Holly's presence posed to their relationship.

He also couldn't understand why he didn't jump at the chance to join the DIM when presented the offer. It would offer stability and a chance at a home life he unknowingly longed for. Was it because he knew deep down that Jackie wasn't really the woman for him and that she also would become restless looking for that one big break a good reporter always longs for? She wouldn't find it in Canada, and would resent him for the move. What made it worse was the more she pushed him to decide, the more he balked at the idea. He liked life in Port Charles, but he was finding he needed a reason to stay. The nightclub was failing and neither he nor Luke had any interest to keep it going any longer. Once again, Luke's impulsive, volatile behavior would change the course of his life. One for which it turned out, he would be eternally grateful.


	5. An Unexpected Love

For the life of him, Robert couldn't understand Luke's reaction when he discovered that Holly had "made a deal" in order to fulfill her father's wishes to be buried next to her mother. Luke always claimed to put his family first; yet, when Holly made her decision based on those same beliefs, Luke made it all about him. He couldn't "trust" Holly any longer, so he went sulking up into the mountains, where it was believed he perished in an avalanche. It was only a week after the memorial for Luke was held that Holly discovered she was carrying his child. Two weeks later, she was threatened with deportation. Robert felt he owed Luke "a life for a life" because Luke saved his on Cassadine Island. Even though he knew Holly to be a smart, capable woman, she brought out a protective side in him that even Lily hadn't; a trait he didn't even realize he possessed. He had tried every legal angle possible to prevent her deportation, to no avail. In the back of his mind, he knew of one avenue he could travel down if all else failed. He was just not sure if either could live with the possible consequences if that solution was discovered to be a fraud. It became very apparent, very soon, that that was the only choice left.

He always believed he yelled his proposal to her in the heat of the moment, but in reality, he now acknowledged it was because his soul recognized what his heart refused to believe. Holly was "the one." He was just as shocked as she when he asked her to marry him. It wasn't so much the shock that he did it, as it was more the case of the way in which it came out during the argument, and also the feeling of how right it felt, even if he was a bit confused by the emotion it stirred.

He had long given up hope of finding love, thinking it would come with fireworks. Instead, love came softly, taking him unawares. After finally moving into the townhouse, the awkwardness of their early days of adjusting to each other's presence, and her ensuing miscarriage, they settled into a daily routine, helped along by the Susan Baldwin murder case. It was during this time, that they began to really get to know each other. He appreciated her ability to deduce facts and ask the right questions, while she enjoyed knowing she was a big help to him. He first became aware of his growing affection for her the night of their first party. He wouldn't dare admit it to anyone, but when she appeared at the top of the stairs in that cream sequined dress, he felt like a gawky teenager about to ask the prettiest girl in his class for a dance. It was the first of many sleepless nights he spent, knowing she was just across the hall and yet still out of reach. It was the next day when he bought the wedding band, on impulse. As the weeks passed, he struggled to keep his attraction to her in check. When she and Bobbie were planning their cruise, it was all he could do to not throw caution to the wind and ask her to stay home with him instead. When her plans fell through, he couldn't hide his delight, but was tongue-tied on how to explain his reaction to her.

On the night of Brian and Claudia's wedding, he was pleasantly surprised when she asked him to dance. She felt so good in his arms. He didn't want the night to end. When they returned home, he was disappointed that she decided to take a book to bed with her instead of spending the evening with him. Too keyed up to sleep, he decided to watch an old movie on TV. He had settled on _Rebecca_ when Holly descended the stairs after finding her reading choice depressing, also unable to sleep. Wanting to take her in his arms, he resorted to teasing her about her love of the movie instead. He turned to her in stunned surprise when she innocently commented that she would love for _them_ to own a home like Manderley. He had let the comment pass, but vowed to pursue that thought after the movie, as they watched in companionable silence. Robert remembered searching for a way to broach the subject at the end of the movie and had decided to use the reception earlier in the evening as the springboard. He realized she was probably as nervous as he when she attempted to change the subject, and saw this as a good sign. He decided to plunge in and finally allow his feelings to surface. When she admitted she was happy as his wife, it was all he could do to take it slow. He searched her face, giving her every opportunity to rebuff his advance. When she didn't, he slowly lowered his lips to hers, the sweet taste of them had him deepening the kiss which he realized she was returning, if even hesitantly. His joy turned to disappointment seconds later when she rejected his attempt at a second kiss. He could only watch longingly when, after a simple goodnight, she ascended the stairs and disappeared from his sight.

In the ensuing days, he was determined to have her face their growing attraction to one another. At first, she tried to deny it, then she tried running from it, but he was determined that she acknowledge it and move on with her life. A life that would include him. Hoping to banish the memory of Luke that encompassed her, he gave her a kiss full of all his wishes and dreams. A kiss full of promise of what life together with him could be. Needless to say he was confused by her reaction when she returned from the mountains and drew him into a kiss, only to get the cold shoulder later that evening. He couldn't have been more delighted when he finally learned the truth; she was jealous of Connie. He spent the day trying to convince her where his heart lay, and when they finally cleared the last obstacle, they spent the night wrapped in each other's arms; a night to remember.


	6. Early Married Life

"Robert paused at this point, reliving those early days. He would have never believed he was capable of falling completely, maddeningly in love as he had. That first night and following day, he was the happiest he'd ever been in his life. However, what followed would have tested the strongest of marriages.

Being called away to Boston was the last thing he wanted to do that night, but had he ignored the phone call then, he had no doubt he would have been interrupted later that night at a less convenient moment by a messenger sent to fetch him. He remembered his anticipation of picking up where they left off the night before as he entered the townhouse the next morning. A detached Holly was the last thing he expected to see, let alone hearing what had transpired in his absence. Luke was alive, and now he stood to lose Holly so shortly after she made peace with his death and that of their unborn child. He wanted to fight for her, but he wanted her happiness above all. He hated the pain the situation caused her, but felt helpless on how to ease her pain without bringing his feelings too much into it, making her feel guilty. All he could offer her was his unconditional love and support, if she wanted it. The afternoon she went to meet Luke at the docks, was one of the longest afternoons he could remember. He knew a decision was coming soon, if not that day. He had decided to stay home and work on paperwork because he knew he'd be useless at the office. Even so, he paced around the house wondering how he was going to live without her if she chose Luke. When she returned, telling him that it was his trust in her that helped to make her decision, he truly did want to jump through the roof, shout from the rooftop, and take up skywriting to tell the world. Even then, although he would have loved to have mended fences with Luke, Luke made it clear he felt betrayed. There was a brief moment during the hospital hostage crisis when Bobbie and Monica were being held by a madman, that they buried the past to take him down together. However that moment passed and they were at odds with each other once again. The one shining moment from that day, was that Holly no longer held him at arm's length, as she finally joined him in his bed to stay.

Fate, however, was not done with them yet. No sooner had Holly made her decision, than his work surrounding the Prometheus Disk kicked into high gear. Dr. Jerrold had completed his work, and now he, the disk, and his research needed protected from enemy agents. When the disk disappeared and the risks it posed were revealed, he not only wanted to warn the residents, but he wanted to protect Holly from the danger. She stubbornly refused to leave him if he was in danger too, even though he was trained to deal with such an occurrence as this. When Holly and Celia were kidnapped, Robert, again, had to face a helplessness he hadn't felt since his parents' and Lily's deaths. Knowing Luke was also being held began to play in his mind. What if Luke found he could forgive Holly, and she decided she loved him still? How was he going to go on without her? He knew then, that he loved her enough to let her go if it would keep her safe. When he finally found her, and she flew into his arms, he felt the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders. While he knew she loved him, he was never really sure of the depth of that love as she had never said the words until that night. They had spent the rest of that night demonstrating their love and devotion to one another.

Holly loved surprises. His favorite surprise from her came that Christmas. He had bought her a necklace that mirrored the design of her wedding band, while she presented him with a new robe, slippers, and a new watch that had stopwatch features so he could log his jogging times. That was Christmas Day. About a week into the new year, Holly presented him with "a Christmas present to end all Christmas presents." Ralph P. Scorpio. Even today, he makes regular visits to the zoo, sometimes with Robin, sometimes not. It's the times he goes alone that he feels closest to Holly.

He also remembers fondly the time she attempted to become a gourmet cook out of sheer boredom. He came home for lunch one cold winter day to find cold "mush soup and mush salad." The next day she attempted pasta. He still smiles when he remembers her taking a screwdriver and hammer to loosen the hard as rock dough. He's never looked at a plate of spaghetti quite the same way again. He almost wished she would have stuck with her cooking endeavors. Instead she latched onto a dance scam that he at first dismissed. Her perseverance paid off as she and the other scammed dancers got their men. Shortly thereafter, she was asked to chair the British Club's charity auction which eventually became a permanent boutique at the Avalon spa. He had hoped that it would just be the ticket to fulfill her need to be useful. He can look back and laugh at some of it now, but some of their most trying times came as a result of working at the boutique.


	7. A Police Commissioner And His Wife

A couple of months had passed, and he finally had the opportunity, now that the federal government no longer consumed most of his time, to get the department working as efficient as he felt it should; but he wasn't aware a storm was brewing with the female officers. They had filed a formal letter of complaint six months prior. He had not meant to ignore their concerns; however, that occurred following the conclusion of the Prometheus Disk case. He was still dealing with the various state and federal agencies in connection with Grant's legal issues; not to mention having Holly back firmly in his life. Even though, no formal acknowledgement of her disappearance was given, most of the police department was aware of what had transpired. He had simply forgotten, but as there had been no further communications from them, he believed the issues were resolved. He would live to regret that assumption. He had been blind sighted by their very pubic second attempt to be recognized. He had been confident inasmuch as Holly desired to be included in his work, that she would be willing to help him find an amicable solution. Once again, he was wrong. For all her talk of wanting to work with him, when she had the opportunity, she chose another path. They both knew all she had to do was to bat those beautiful, brown doe eyes of hers at him and he would have capitulated, and happily so. However, she chose to work against him instead of with him. The final straw came when he came home one afternoon hoping to make amends, and found she had violated their sanctuary, the place they settled most of their issues, and was considered a safe zone. He was sure that if the situation was reversed, she would have been just as upset as he, as that had been their refuge from the world. It took him months to get over the embarrassment that caused. However, he had to acknowledge the women's abilities after they foiled a robbery at the spa. Now he recalls that time fondly and how he turned the tables on Holly, after informing her that duties would be reassigned after new training for all officers was completed.

Another memory came unbidden to his mind thinking about that summer: Holly's insistence on attending the St. Basil's Day festival. He remembered her telling him what the fortune teller she had insisted on seeing, while he went for food, predicted for them. Nine girls! He almost choked on the French fry he was eating at the time. He also remembered feeling almost faint when he contemplated wedding expenses. His biggest regret was that they had never had children together. It hadn't been for a lack of trying. He knew Holly would have been a terrific mother. He only had to witness the interaction between her and a very reticent Robin to verify his belief. Robin blossomed under Holly's attention, and truly seemed to want to come back to visit them again. It was, yet again, another cross he'd have to bear.

What happened later that summer was something that, even he acknowledged, he had to shoulder part of the blame. While he had been busy solving the Dr. Campbell disappearance, Grant's murder trial and eventual conviction, then the realization that it was the real Grant Putnam that committed the crime, Holly was playing Nora Charles at the spa. She had brought her suspicions of what Leo was doing to his attention; however, he just thought her overactive imagination was working overtime. It was only after Beatrice's death that he became aware of how deep in over her head she found herself. While he never once questioned Holly's fidelity, he was deeply hurt that she didn't come to him. He still only got part of the story when he discovered Leo grabbed her and left bruises. Those were tough times for both of them. He knew about the pills and the photos, but he wanted her to come to him, trust him with what she had done. Meanwhile, she was so racked with guilt and shame that she avoided any personal contact with him. It was only when she was "putting the house in order", complete with her will, that he had had enough. In his hurt, he did something he had never done before. He lashed out at her in anger and stormed out of the house. By the time he had arrived at the station, he had calmed down a bit. He was relieved when his secretary informed him that Holly had called and needed to speak to him. Upon returning home, he was frustrated when Holly hesitated in confessing. He had to force the issue by nearly exposing he knew where she had hidden the pills. After they had cleared the air, he went and dug up the pills. After he expressed his hurt over her lack of faith in him, he reassured her that he loved her and would stand by her. While he wasn't keen on her confessing to the DA, he admired her determination to face the music. The relief they both felt when it was determined that an overdose had not killed her, was palpable. He had to smile when he thought of that. True to Holly form, the next day she was in Nora Charles mode once again. Once it was determined that Beatrice's death was an accident, they happily burned the photos. It was especially gratifying to Holly to see Sylvia and Mrs. Barrington turn the tables on Leo. The days that followed were one of rediscovering their love and faith in each other.

Even so, they had little time to bask in the glow following its conclusion. The next day, bright and early, they were awakened by the doorbell. Grant and Celia were there with Mrs. Porchenko, the wife of Grant's professor, who also was tied to the DVX. They were in the States on tour with a symposium. Grant and Mrs. Porchenko told Robert that the professor wanted to defect, but was being watched closely. She was able to escape under the guise of being lost. They planned, with Dr. Hardy's help, to hide her at General while they made their way to New York. They were to rendezvous at a restaurant where Holly came up with a brilliant idea for a distraction, allowing Grant the opportunity to squirrel Dr. Porchenko away safely. When they were denied asylum, he and Holly "allowed" the WSB and State Department to "witness" their escape from the townhouse. Robert then established an "underground railroad" through former agents. The next day, Lee came to get assurance that the scandal would not reach the mayor's office. Robert got Lee's blessing for a vacation so he would not be in Port Charles when the news was made public. Holly was thrilled that they would finally have time to themselves; and even more so when Robert suggested Paris as they danced into the bedroom.


End file.
